<-- LOOK AT THE RABBITS. Or face wrath.

Mighty wrath. 

I'm broke waaaaaaaah.

But I'm going to Turkey yaaaaaaaay.

But I'll broke there too waaaaaah!

I've been watching so much comedy of late, I fear I might just speel lines from them all.. rendering me famous? Or infamous for being a knob, I'm not sure which yet, time will tell.

Honestly I haven't been up to much though; mostly gorging through cuppa soup and any other over-priced packaged foods that I can get from the garage. It's like this:

My house------->Garage----------------------------->Supermarket 

Logic speaks for itself.

Other than that my aunt invited me round for dinner today and saying "no" sort of exordises you from the family, so of course I felt obligated to push my fussy eating to the side and attempt to nibble on rice and mushrooms along with my rouged, dry chicken (which of course you must say "mmm" after out of 'etiquette', fucking ettiquite). The conversation didn't flourish much without booze, I guess that's why you only meet your family at well-organised drinkfestevents- Christmas, New Years etc- without the booze conversations just lingre for far too long on a holiday you took two months ago,

"So did it rain much? Did you actually see a Spanish person? How was your shower? In working order? I had a bad shower on holiday once oh god it was awful.."

Cue some anecdote about why not to trust small Indonesian mice. I think they felt semi obligated, as after my breakup I've been mostly lounging about the house in my pants, the rate of my heart slowly decellerating as I eat dry weetabix out of the box and read old Harry Potter books. Well I enjoy lounging about the house wondering if I should shave my pubes or leave it another day, so fuck off.

Uuugh the NHS Helpline just told me I might have swine flu.

This is officially the worst week of my life!

Well, lifes gone a bit tits up for me!

Luckily that means for more interesting entries. Back in glasgow for an unpresidented amount of time because my beautiful golden relationship turned into shit ove one Thursday night. Basically my boyfriend got mullered and uncharacteristically tried to come on to lots o women. The trust is just fucked basically.

But I'd moved in.

So I'm a little bit homeless hmm. ANND jobless. I'd left my job on the 26th. Fucks sake god don't like me much these days. Ah well, I'm taking it as an incentive to apply for a course in outdoor training, I've always wanted to do this. So it's a years paid course in fun stuff basically. Maybe it's fate?

Maybe God hates me cause I deny him.

Maybe both? Maybe I'll just grow a shell and walk about like a hermit crab. Maybe life's just a whole load of steaming turds and I'm just a speckle of dust of a fly's wing jumping on and off of it. Yeah I'm blowin your mind with turd imagery!

Sincerest (well not that sincere) apologies for not getting on this thing that much; what, with all the country air I feel I'm slipping into a more pronounced amish state. Why! I even brush my teeth with a run of the mill hand held toothbrush for fuck sake! I don't suppose many of you are tossing in your bed at night, wondering,
     "Well what the hell happened to that Heather chick? I must look up the missing persons list.. Maybe later.."
But for those of you that are, and I'd wager that'd be about 0.1 people, then I'm right here! Trucking away in the sacred landscape of Aviemore.. Or as Jesus calls it, Satan State.

I could delve into my daily routine of stocking up trolleys, cursing the polish (in a politically correct way of course), and cleaning shit- but that would bore you and digress moreso from the point that I am still alive. Being alive is much like eating a cadbury's creme egg. And I'm choosing not to elaborate on that.

Many months have passed and I now have a new boyfriend which has happened oh so quickly but hey! It is mating season after all; a period of the year where if you actually look around you can almost see streams of pharamones gushing from the armpits of sex driven young ladies on their conquest for alpha male. Honestly the amount of mismatched couples floating around in the area during this sunny period is incredible, each as horny as the next.

The birds and the bees.
Speaking of which a huge bee was lingering near my face earlier and I almost shat myself in fear.

It snew! A lot more than that, but I couldn't see what image I was uploadind mehehehe! Yeah I was awerrrsooome! Like, right up to your knees kind of awerrsome! Also bloody cold though, went down to MINUS EIGHTEEN degrees celcius one night right in my little town which is like, the lowest recored temperature in 20 years or summit summit.

Shit I was gonner make a long entry but I've got to fly to Inverness, my life has consisted of mostly work recently anyway.. Apart from when  I invested in wellies, bought the best hat in the world, made an alcoholic snow woman and went sledding.

Okay! Proper impromtu update time! Prepare yourself for the hectic story of someone who is not Harry Potter..

Using my holidays up in Glasgow, running about like a young scalliwag as if I'm 17 again (you will, in fact, note that I am now 18). Last night was pretty.. mediocre I guess. I got all pumped cause I heard Robots in Disguise were doing a set in the club known as "Au Couture"; got even more pumped when I found it was the official Mighty Boosh Afterparty with posters and all; got less pumped when neither appeared.

Got even less pumped when I found I had lost my wallet.

So here I am now, consoling myself with a bacon sandwhich and hopefully a cup of tea to come.

Okay so many a thing has happened.

I now have a boyfriend.

Well.. sort of.

He is however on his way to Lithuania.

Hm!

Be back in a month and a bit, hopefully.

Here is a picture of me being sad.





The End.

Boxing day..

Tomorrow marks the first anniversary since my sexual assault, and I am sadly not so merry this Christmas.

I'm scared.

Ah well! A merry christmas to you all anyway, I wish you inner peace!

ZOMG The Mighty Boosh was absolutely amazing out its nut! We had front seats right in the middle section, mental! I was oh so so close I could've had a conversation with them had I the guts (and the audacity to ruin the show) but OH LORDY I fell in love twice over with everyone.

Time to get too close to my face!



So Glasgow has been an absolute blast man! Went to The Garage on Friday and danced the night away.. Sinoritas stopped and swayed.. And also managed to get my hands on a quarter of something or other.. Looove life!

Hallo my darling chickadee koala type things! I'm back in Glasgow for a few days woothoo!!

I'm gonner buy myself a nice camera don't you know? Not too nice cause I still dunno if photography is a route I'll go down, but I'm just expanding the horizons and all the jazz. I'm thinking I'll get a Nikon D40 and take some snaps up in Aviemore. I've been loving art so much recently, my walls are just covered in colour and drawings- love it I say!!

JOY TO THE WORLD!

Doo doo doo doo! Well, yes, life! It's calmed down for the time being, hoorah you say! Yup, I mean, the drinking is still there but I no longer feel I'm spiraling into a void of self loathing and inevitable death. Nope, life is on the up and so I got highlights too! Let me take an impromptu picture on my built in webcam (Ooft aren';t I snazzy with my gadgets, eh??)



Smiling as usual. They're actual lighter than that, it's just this wee cafe you see mes amis.Ehhh je ne comprende pas, je nes parle le francais.. Un bagel monsieur?? No mais j'aime tu.

Anyhoo I just went to the bank to extract my last £7 from my account.

"Just the £7 or would you like the remaining £0.71?"
"Nah leave that in, let the interest build up on it."

Oh the sheer humiliation.

EDIT:I ALSO MANAGED TO GET SEATS A1 AND A2 FOR THE MIGHTY BOOSH!! WE'RE GONNA BE RIGHT UP THE FRONT!! *PATS SHANTS*

Why hello again my little err pumpkins? (I'm trying to stick with this halloween theme we're all having of late.) Well, my little.. shit bats, life has been eventful as ever these days! The past month has probably been better and more fucked up than the other 17 years I have lived. Well, at least I've been better and more fucked than ever. My mind is a confusing puzzle of dreams as I drink, sleep, work, shag, fag and die.

Probabilities of getting off my tits tonight again are high, as pay comes in at midnight and by god the vault is grotty.

I am a wreck.

Agh gorsh so much happens these days I'm having trouble keeping up with my own life! Were where we last? I think I was hungover and bloody well complaining about it too. Well, I'm not hungover today thankfully, though I did go through that ordeal yesterday. I also went to Inverness where I went on a spending spree, it's been so long since I've shopped! Y'know, the PROPER shop..The er.. £200 shop.. But it was worth it god dammit!

Life is having ups and downs like a mad man. I seem to keep fucking up just for something to do, regret, mull over, then feel satisfied that I am a problem child. Ah well, I couldn't deal with living a boring life, where's the fun in that?? And so I get pissed and stoned and live my life of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

But rachael is coming up! I'm getting excited now, it'll be amazing! Perhaps even some stability will form in this hectic life!

I sit with you now whilst wearing my hat.

I like wearing a hat, we do it too little.

I went out drinking again the very night of my last entry, where I complained terribly of my hangover and vowed never to drink again. Oh well, it's all in the name of fun, right?

Wrong.Ｉｔ’ｓ　ｃａｕｓｅ　Ａｖｉｅｍｏｒｅ　ｃｌｕｂｓ　ｓｍｅｌｌ．

Sitting once more in the soothing Cafe Mambo, where the works of Bob Marley sooth my aching temples as I feel the strain of yet another hangover.There ain't much else to do in Aviemore, and since I had today off it was essential I went out and drank myself to death.

I can remember it at least this time, which is always good.People here dance real crazy I must say, like inhibitions doesn't even come into it... There was this frikkin' preggars girl doing the strangest raunchiest wide spread leg dance I ever did see.. In Glasgow they'd probably be beaten up- sad but true..

Rachael has an interview for up here.. Which whilst is all very good and I love her to death and whatnot.. It's a tad intrusive on my life. I dunno, I can't say anything obviously. Hopefully it'll all work out for the best, all down to fate I say!

I really do feel like a pig has shat in my head though, it's incredibly horrible. I have a blue hat which is holding me together, if not for the hat I would collapse into a thousand tiny little alcoholic pieces.

I'm talking bullshit, aren't I? I can't tell anymore. Too much booze.

And so the drunkeness continues! Finally found myself at the club The Vault, the one place I always feared I end up when coming to Aviemore. And so the drink and cash did flow. First time I've really lost my memory from having so much. A good two hours of my mind is completely blank- basically from leaving the club and being in bed.

May have gotten off with a rather tall, handsome Latvian feller from my work...Ｓｐｅａｋｉｎｇ　ｏｆ　ｗｈｉｃｈ　（ｍｙ　ｆｏｎｔｓ　ｇｏｎｅ　ａｌｌ　ｗｅｉｒｄ　ａｇａｉｎ？　Ｓｔｒａｎｇｅ　ｌａｐｔｏｐ　ｈａｓ　ａ　ｍｉｎｄ　ｏｆ　ｉｔｓ　ｏｗｎ．．）　Ｉ’ｖｅ　ｂｅｉｎｇ　ｆｉｎｄｉｎｇ　ａ　ｃｏｍｐｌｅｔｅｌｙ　ｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｔ　ｋｉｎｄ　ｏｆ　ｍａｎ　ａｔｔｒａｃｔｉｖｅ　ｏｆ　ｌａｔｅ．　Ｉ　ｔｈｉｎｋ　ｉｔ’ｓ　ｓｏｍｅ　ａｓｓｏｃｉａｔｉｏｎ　ｗｉｔｈ　ｍａｎｌｉｎｅｓｓ　ｏｒ　ｓｕｍｍｉｔ．．　Ｂｕｔ　ｎｏｗ　Ｉ’ｍ　ｇｏｉｎｇ　ｍｏｒｅ　ｆｏｒ　ｔｈａｔ　ｌｏｏｋ　ｏｆ　ｄａｒｋ　ｈａｉｒ，　ｄａｒｋ　ｅｙｅｓ，　ｄｅｅｐ　ａｃｃｅｎｔ．　Ｂｕｔ　ｙｅａｈ，　Ｌａｔｖｉａｎ　ｆｅｌｌｅｒ．．　Ｈａｓ　ｃｒａｚｙ　ｓｔｏｒｉｅｓ　ｆｒｏｍ　ｌｉｖｉｎｇ　ｉｎ　Ｒｕｓｓｉａ，　ｄｏｅｓ　ｂｏｘｉｎｇ，　ｉｓ　ｓｏ　ｄａｍｎ　ｍａｎｌｙ．　Ｂｕｔ　ｎｏｗ　Ｉ　ｈａｖｅ　ｔｏ　ｓｅｅ　ｈｉｍ　ａｔ　ｗｏｒｋ　ｗｈｉｃｈ　ｓｈａｌｌ　ｂｅ　ａｌｌ　ａｗｋｗａｒｄ－　ｏｈ　ｗｈａｔ　ｔｏ　ｄｏ　ｗｈａｔ　ｔｏ　ｄｏ？　

Ｏｈ　ｌｏｒｄｙ　ｌｏｏ　ｍｅｎ　ｍｅｎ　ｍｅｎ．